Down by the River

Ricky : “Hello kids!! My name is Ricky Barto Jr. and I am a part-time student at the Matt Foley School of Motivational Speaking!! I am 35 years old.. I am divorced.. and I live in a van down by the river! Now, you kids are probably saying to yourself, “Now, I’m gonna go out, and I’m gonna get the world by the tail, and wrap it around and put it in my pocket!!” Well, I’m here to tell you that you’re probably gonna find out, as you go out there, that you’re not gonna amount to Jack Squat!! You’re gonna end up eating a steady diet of government cheese, and living in a van down by the river! Now, young lady, what do you want to do with your life?”
Lupita : “I wanna be a songwriter.”
Ricky : “We-e-e-elll.. la-de-freakin’-da! We’ve got ourselves a songwriter here! [jumps across the room.. looks at Rhino Sonny] Hey! Wiener guy!! I can’t see real good.. [lifts her glasses off and on her face] that Taylor Swift over there?”
Rhino Sonny : “I don’t know her name…I’m new here…”
Hazel : “That’s Lupita, Ricky… Did you hit your head??”
Me : “RICKY! No more Saturday Night Live reruns for you!!”
Ricky : “C’mon Mom!! I didn’t get to the part where I break the coffee table yet!!”

Inspired by and partially stolen from SNL.